We are delighted to be posting a brand new piece written by Alia Al-Hazami, one of our 2013 writers of the month for our August theme “Madness” titled “Lightweight” Enjoy ^^
My head is spinning in circles, not knowing what to make of what’s going on. I’ve grown to care less and became beyond carefree. Frankly, I believe that I’m half insane.
I don’t know what I want or don’t want most of the time, heck I don’t know how to feel anymore. There’s a storm of self-declination raging inside my head and it has gotten me absolutely and undeniably bonkers.
‘Maybe, it’ll all be ok.’ is a lie I tell myself but it doesn’t keep me satisfied. I do realize that I’m as sane as the Mad Hatter and there’s no way out of this whimsical phase I’m going through. Numbness, is all I’m experiencing and I have people to blame. They have driven me to a dead end and the sad thing is that they did it unintentionally.
Funny how people think that they won’t affect you even when they throw harsh words and judgments your way. You see, that’s why I feel like I’ve gotten crazy! I’ve grown to look past their words and simply ignore them.
Now, many may think that’s a good thing but in my case it isn’t because whatever they said previously is etched into my soul. Plus, people’s criticism used to help me evolve and somewhat accept my flaws but currently, it doesn’t even get to me anymore.
It saddens me when I look at my own reflection through a mirror and be dissatisfied with what I’m seeing. All I see is a hurt insecure train wreck who unfortunately was broken down to bits. Beneath her is a strong woman who’s stuck in a shell, too terrified to the extent where she refuses to crack out of it.
I’ve lost touch with my inner self because I’m not looking for anyone’s approval but myself, which is making it harder on me. I’m trying to impress myself and knock out of it to prove to the scared child I am that it truly is all going to be ok. If that makes me insane, then so be it.
There’s no person worthy of discovering and observing our beauty and imperfections but ourselves. So what if I’m too tall for a girl? So what if I was made to believe that I’m chunky? So what if I was made to believe that I’m average and plain? I should accept me as me and not let words get to me.
Poignant how people pick on our insecurities and expect us to be fine and pleasant about it! Hilarious how they demolish your self-esteem and then ask, why you beat yourself up and ask you to get over it. How dare you smash us and order us to mend the mess you made? My dream is to embrace myself and hopefully, one day I will.
I want a message to come across people of all genders that our appearances don’t define us and if people don’t see through such superficial things then it’s their loss because they’re too shallow and clueless as to what real beauty is.
Even though I didn’t reach the point of embracing myself just yet, I hope you fellow readers do because it really isn’t worth it. Pointing out your flaws makes you even more beautiful. So here it is; my name is Alia, I’m an insecure seventeen year old who hopes to inspire. I am said to be average, chunky and too tall, but one day I’ll believe otherwise, one day I’ll proudly say that I am motivational and beautiful in my own skin.
Author: Alia Al-Hazami