We are delighted to be posting a brand new post written by Alia Al-Hazami for our Blessings theme titled “Roman”
You’re my downfall, yet the only reason I’m surviving. You’re my wakeup call, my savior from all things frightening. I’m known for being a strong person but you never fail to make me weak. This isn’t the Maya everyone knows, this isn’t the Maya I am.
For years I felt lost and empty, and never thought someone could come along and destruct me even more than I was destructed. I have a damaged heart, and that was the only reason I was strong. I knew that I had to snap out of it at any cost because I was only hurting myself, but I refused to.
I was so busy trying to put up this tough front where I got used to living in false pretense. I was basically living in lies; however, it felt normal, as I had gotten used to it.
I didn’t know how or when it happened, but it did. I was so miserable and way too deep in this hole to be saved, but you did it. As much as I try to hide it, I was graced when you came along. Not in a million years did I believe that I was going to be dragged from the depths of despair but it happened!
I am still shocked this is happening to me. I am abashed I allowed it! I am angry beyond the ability to express it because I have been singing the saddest song ever sung and no one bothered to rescue you me. My song of misery was harmonious to all, how on earth did you figure out it was a bunch of lies…
I should let it go though, the world works in understandable ways and forms, trying to comprehend everything will only tear us apart. I should learn to accept and appreciate the change, because everyone thinks it’s a positive one. I just think it’s weird, I don’t know if it’s a good kind or not.
Roman, is his name. The one who saved me, the one who dragged me out of the pits of brokenness. I’m so glad I met him, he’s my biggest blessing:
I try to hide it but he is. He taught me how to smile, laugh and be happy. He goes the extra mile for me, though he barely knows me. He has always been peculiar, and that’s what I love about him.
When we met at the central park on that god damned bench, he told me he saw nothingness in my eyes. I stared at him aggressively and asked him to shut it before I punched him so hard until he felt nothingness. My violence didn’t scare him like it did to others. He just smiled, which made me realize he’s special.
Our second meeting was at the same place too. I went there intentionally to see if he was going to be there and he actually was there. We met daily, and it bothered me how he got to the core of me. He knew exactly what I was and how I functioned, he knew me just as much as he knew himself. But that didn’t last for long…
Our hundredth meeting was our last, I just didn’t know that. I remember his last words to me like it was etched in stone. He said “Maya the lia, you are me and I am you. Once upon a time, I was the person you currently are so don’t think for a second that you’re fooling me. I got better when it was too late, and I don’t want that to happen to you. Always exude positivity and radiate love, the person you are is the person you should be forever.”
I am not mad at him for leaving without notice. On the contrary, I’m quite grateful, he feels like my modern version of Mary Poppins. He left when his job was done, and I didn’t mind that. I’m just happy I met him.
He’ll always be in my prayers, even if our paths never cross again. Roman, you wicked 70-year-old man with a young soul; I love you to bits and to pieces. I’ll miss you forever my old buddy.
Author: Alia Al-Hazami